Life Unscripted
by Lady Macphisto
Summary: Buffy Birthday/Song Fic. Everyone is in denial, Buffy faces a "big moment" B/S


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Author: Lady Macphisto

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Rating: R to NC-17

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Spoilers: Takes place after Wrecked with references to "the sex"

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Disclaimer: Mutant Enemy, Joss Whedon, UPN, etc. own the characters. The song is "So Cruel" by U2 and can be found on the album Achtung Baby.

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Feedback: Yes please, thank you.

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Comments: This didn't finish the way I intended when I started it. I just can't write an unhappy ending. I'm a sap, I offer no other excuse. I have a bit of a meandering muse so blame it if the story wanders off track. I tried to tie it all together but I'm not sure I accomplished it. Anyway, it's Buffy's birthday and everyone is in denial about how much their lives really do suck and Buffy and Spike dance and Buffy has one of those "big" moments.

Another birthday, another celebration at the Bronze, another night going through the motions. Buffy sat with a plastic smile glued to her face while thoughts divorced from their corresponding emotions drifted through her mind. _At least I'm not the only one going through the motions. I can see that now. We all are. Here we sit pretending to have a good time, pretending there's something about this birthday of mine to celebrate. _Buffy scanned the faces at the table. Xander telling some stupid story about something that happened at work. Anya smiling fondly even though by her eyes you could tell her mind was a million miles away. Willow laughing in the appropriate places so it didn't really matter that her laugh was a bit brittle and manic. _We're all trying so hard to pretend_ Buffy thought as she tried to crinkle her eyes just right to make sure her smile extended to her eyes, it was more convincing that way. As the crowd chattered and the music droned over everything she thought about how pathetic they all were, how sad they were, trying to make believe it didn't matter that Giles and Tara were gone, that Xander and Anya were rushing full steam ahead into a marriage neither of them were sure now that they wanted. There they sat ignoring Willow's magic-withdrawal induced shaking and fidgeting, ignoring the fact that Buffy had died and been ripped out of heaven and come back "wrong". Everyone was keeping their secrets. These friends who'd faced apocalypse after apocalypse together and yet couldn't seem to face growing up together. Yes, it was quite a little mockery they had going but this was the only way they knew how to function these days. They couldn't deal honestly with the things going on in their lives so they fell back on the familiar, even if it was a lie.

Have a party at the Bronze, buy Buffy drinks to get her plastered as if they were any other group of twenty-one year olds celebrating a friends coming of age. _Play along_ that what she thinks and that's what she does. Of course, unbeknownst to them her drinks are tonic, no gin. She learned her lesson that night she got drunk with Spike. That night that no one knew about but Giles. Which led her to thoughts of another night that no one knew about but her and Spike. _Those pesky secrets **are **beginning to pile up. _She indulged briefly in the heat those thoughts provoked before viciously slamming the mental gates. _Better to feel nothing at all if that's all you can feel. Spike, he's not here tonight. Not that you thought he would be, you not being able to find it within yourself to stop being a bitch and not having the desire, well not admitting to the desire anyway, to be bitten and therefore, not having seen him for a couple of weeks. He's still out there, waiting. You know it because you feel his pull every night. You lay in sweaty sheets every night wrestling with temptation, finding no joy in victory._

Oops! Pay attention. Xander's trying to get you to dance. Play the part, act tipsy and happy as if you know what happiness is anymore. Act like your world isn't falling apart while you search desperately for the glue to hold it together, or maybe you just watch it fall with all the detachment of a bemused bystander. For now, you'll just dance.

How long? How long do you have to keep this up? Dance, smile, laugh, drink. Laugh, drink, dance, smile. How long before you can escape? Your eyes scan the crowd and you spot him. Yes, there he is. Some part of you dared to hope he would show. Avoid or confront? Why not? You've played the part well. Everyone thinks you're drunk. Why not play with Spike a little? You are the birthday girl after all.

Buffy sauntered up to the bar carefully displaying just the right amount of unsteadiness to suggest she'd had one too many, enough beer spilled on her to smell the part. She walked right up to the empty space next to where Spike leaned nonchalantly against the bar smoking a cigarette. _He's playing his part well. As if he could ever affect genuine nonchalance in your presence. _She ignores him as she orders another ***gin* **and tonic. He ignores her as he watches the crowd bump and grind to the music. Both ignoring each other and super-aware of each other. 

She begins to walk away, never having acknowledged him. That's his cue.

"Well, well, well. I thought you'd given up the demon drink."

She turns to face him and closes the gap between them till she can see those exquisitely expressive eyes. "What can I say Spike? There are some demons I just can't get enough of," downing the drink and licking the last bit from her lips.

He smiles as if to say touche. "Careful, pet. I might think you intended something with that little double entendre."

She shakes her head drunkenly, "Double what?"

He smirks and rolls his eyes, "Nevermind. Come on then. Let's dance," he pauses, weighs his options and plunges ahead feeling like living dangerously, "Come on Slayer" he leans in to whisper in her ear, "You know you want to." He stays there a beat longer than necessary letting her know he's breathing her in.

She fights the shivers he provokes valiantly, giving nothing away. "I don't think we can do your kind of dancing in public Spike."

He narrows his eyes as he looks at her speculatively, pouting his lips a moment before replying, "That's what you think, Luv."

Her eyes widen and her heart speeds up as she considers the implication of his words. Her mind explodes in a rush of images. She can't remember her lines. She's beginning to feel again and when that happens these days, she forgets to play the part.

He chuckles as if he knows exactly what she's thinking. "Maybe later, Slayer. Right now I wanna dance with the birthday girl." He takes her hand and begins to lead her out on to the floor.

She stops suddenly as she remembers where she is, who she is and what he is. "We can't. Everyone's here and I don't want to anyway." Then she remembers that the part has been re-written for the evening. That's right. She's drunk, she can play. "I can't dance with you Spike." She looks up at him through her lashes adding a provocative pout to her lips. "My friends might find out about my dirty little secret." Her eyes slide down his body like a caress and back up. "Well, my **very** dirty, not so little secret." She punctuates her words with a tipsy sway towards him for effect.

He encircles her forearms with his hands to steady her. The timbre of his voice thrums through her body. "Your friends aren't even paying attention." She glances at the crowd over his shoulder and sees that he's right. "And your heart wouldn't be pounding like this." He places his cool hand on her heated chest and leans into her neck, just below her ear. "And you wouldn't smell so…" he inhales deeply and deliberately, "interesting, right now if you didn't want to." He grasps her hand again and pulls her with him, "Your friends don't want to know your dirty secrets anyway, not really. They wouldn't admit it to themselves if we went at it right here, right now in front of them. I mean, that's what this whole night is about isn't it? Denial?"

She started to struggle at his words. _Why did he have to be so fucking perceptive!_ She knew she had just gotten herself in way too deep.

"Stop struggling Buffy, or everyone **will** notice."

Having no other choice and not trying too hard to think of another, she followed him to a dark corner of the dance floor and didn't resist when he pulled her close and fit their bodies together.

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Home. She stiffened as she realized that she just let that thought slip into her consciousness.

"Just let go. Listen to the song, luv. It reminds me of you."

They began to sway to the music. She relaxed into his embrace as she let the music wash over her. The song filled their bodies- the opening bars like a heartbeat, the singer's voice plaintive and desperate.

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We crossed the line

Who pushed who over

It doesn't matter to you

It matters to me

We're cut adrift 

But still floating

I'm only hanging on

To watch you go down

My love

The rhythm was slow and sensual and the words cut straight to the truth of their relationship. Buffy fought the swell of panic that rose in her chest. _Just forget. Let it be. For the next four minutes, live in the song, in his arms. Don't think beyond the moment. _She pleaded with herself and quieted the voice in her head. She listened only to the song and the message it held from Spike to her.

**_I disappeared in you_**

You disappeared from me

I gave you everything you ever wanted

It wasn't what you wanted

Spike felt her resistance fade and let himself drown in her. He brushed his hands up and down her back lightly; enjoying the feel of her but trying not to spook her. He buried his face in her hair and pulled her closer. He closed his eyes trying to imagine away their reality at the same time she was facing it in the words of the song.

**_The men who love you, you hate the most_**

They pass right through you like a ghost

They look for you but your spirit is in the air

Baby, you're nowhere

Oh…love…you say in love there are no rules

Oh…love…sweetheart

You're so cruel

Her heart broke to hear the words and admit that they were true. In this moment there was no denial or avoidance of Spike's feelings. She knew the song described the way he must see her. Her heart broke for Spike and for herself because she knew that when the song was over, she'd shut her eyes to the truth again. The chaos that would result from deviating from their roles after the song ended was too much for her to deal with. She could scream inside her head all day, everyday and live that way. What she couldn't do was face living a life unscripted without her mom or Giles there to guide her. It was too scary, too dangerous to everyone around her.

**_Desperation is a tender trap_**

It gets you every time

You put your lips to her lips 

To stop the lie

Her skin is pale like God's only dove

Screams like an angel for your love

Then she makes you watch her from above

And you need her like a drug

Oh…love…you say in love there are no rules

Oh…love…sweetheart

You're so cruel

But there are rules in love, she thought desperately as she tightened her hold on his body. _Rules like, thou shalt not love soulless demons. Thou shalt not love thy mortal enemy, Thou shalt not betray and endanger your friends by losing yourself in said demon._ She breathed in deeply and sighed trying to imprint the moment in her heart and mind forever. She wanted something of him that she could take out and relive in the future when she was alone and he was long gone.

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She wears my love like a see-through dress

Her lips say one thing

Her movements something else

Oh love…like a screaming flower

Love…dying every hour

A few of the other couples paused to glance at the stunning couple clinging together, obviously lost in the song and they wondered why they felt so sad looking at them. They felt a wave a bittersweet pain that made draw closer to their own partners and they turned away from the intensity radiating from the couple, content with their own pale imitations of love.

**_You don't know if it's fear or desire_**

Danger the drug that takes you higher

Head in heaven, fingers in the mire

Spike felt the warmth from Buffy's cheek pressed to his heart and felt the pain that always accompanied thoughts of their one night together. He knew from her breathing and tension in her body that the song had conjured the same thoughts for her. He remembered telling her that he may be dirt but she was the one who liked to roll in it. He wished he could take it back, not because it was a lie but because it was too naked. He had wanted to love her and protect her from the harsh realities of life after she came back but he had lashed out at her in the pain of her rejection and now it would always be between them. 

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Her heart is racing, you can't keep up

The night is bleeding like a cut

Between the horses of love and lust

We are trampled underfoot

Buffy remembered their night together and wished she had the strength to live in a world where they could go back to that collapsed building, relive the morning after and try to get it right this time. If she had that strength and if she could just do it all over again, she'd be more forgiving. When he said stupid things she'd stop before she reacted and remember the man who cared for the torn flesh of her hands the night she returned from the dead. She'd remember the man who protected her sister even though his reason for living was dead, the man who saved her every night in his dreams. But she didn't believe she had that kind of strength within her anymore, and she knew they couldn't go back and that just like that morning after, the moment the music stopped, they'd push each other away and say hurtful things because that was the way things were to be done.

**_Oh…love…you say in love there are no rules_**

Oh…love…sweetheart

You're so cruel

Oh…love…to stay with you I'd be a fool

Sweetheart…you're so cruel

The music had changed and Buffy remained standing in the corner, eyes closed, not wanting to open them and see him gone even though her body already told her he was. She suddenly felt that the screaming in her head might come out her mouth if she didn't get out immediately. But where could she go where the urge to scream wouldn't follow? She didn't know…or did she? The question really was, did she have the courage to go where she knew she would find peace from the traffic in her head? Could she really throw away the script and improvise her life? Was it worth losing her friends? She looked for them in the crowd as if seeing their faces would remind her of all the reasons she shouldn't go after him. She found them sitting at the table oblivious to what had just transpired, oblivious to her struggle. There they sat, in denial just like he'd said. They were playing their parts but she realized she couldn't play hers anymore. There was no happiness there, only quiet desperation that wasted the soul. Maybe they would follow her and maybe they wouldn't, she couldn't sacrifice herself anymore. She shouldn't be expected to. She might not ever have anything pretty but at least it would be real.

She ran out the side door of the Bronze into the alley desperate to find him. The last line of the song repeated in her head louder and louder, "To stay with you I'd be a fool." She scanned the street looking for his retreating form. He couldn't have gone far.

Not seeing him there, having no one to confront, the moment started to fade and she began to wonder what she was doing, began to have second thoughts. That's when she heard someone behind her clearing his throat. She whirled around and there he was leaning against the outside wall of the Bronze one leg bent, foot resting on the wall, smoking his ever -present cigarette and pinning her to the spot with his stare.

"He didn't go thatta way."

"Why are you here?" it came out harsher than she wanted it too but old habits were hard to break even following a grand epiphany. It's not like she could just fall into his arms and declare her undying love. She still wasn't sure it was love. She just knew it was real. She felt real with him.

He let out a resigned sigh and a cloud of smoke, weary of the same old shit but unwilling to walk away, "Why are you?"

They stared at each other. It was a stand off. It was her cue but she'd thrown the script away and had no idea what she was supposed to say.

He sighed again and tossed his cigarette away as he brought his leg down but continued to lean. "I was waiting for you."

"What made you think I'd come after you?" _no, that wasn't right and it was rather stupid given the current situation but it came out automatically._

He simply lifted an eyebrow at that. God, she hated that look almost as much as she loved it. She was repulsed by him as much as she was drawn to him. That, ultimately, was what they were, the truth at the middle of a contradiction-the Slayer and the Vampire.

"I told you I know where you live. I know you Buffy. I know **all** your dirty secrets and I love you for them and everything else that makes you who you are. I knew you'd come after me. I know it even if you don't. I know that you want me, need me, but won't allow yourself to take what you want. So, you come to me because you know I'll make you take what you want. I'll shine the light on your darkness and I won't shy away from it or let you shy away from it. I know that you want me so bad right now that you're shaking with it."

Still he stood there leaning against the wall as if they were discussing nothing more intimate than the weather. She recognized the truth in what he was saying, more than that, she acknowledged it and accepted it. It was now or never. This was one of those big moments and it would define who she was for the rest of her life, she could feel it. She was tired of fighting it and no longer knew any reason to do so.

"Shut up Spike," she said as she approached him warily, like one would a wounded animal.

"No Buffy. You're going to listen. For once I'm gonna say everything I have to say whether you want to hear it or…"

She stopped his words with a light, gentle, closed-mouth kiss. It was just like the one she had gifted him with after he'd been beaten and tortured by Glory. She was hesitant and unsure of how he would respond. His reaction was much the same too; confusion giving way to shock. The tenderness she displayed in that kiss left him speechless. This kiss was a gift too.

She didn't know what to say or **how** to say what she felt. Her eyes pleaded with him who seemed to know everything about her to know what she was trying to tell him. He wanted to believe what he saw in her eyes but had been beat down so many times and she had done one thing and said another so often that he was afraid to hope.

She could tell he was struggling so she did the only thing she could think of. She kissed him again, this time letting the passion build and spin out of control, vowing to make things "after" different this time. She reached behind him as they kissed and grabbed his butt, pulling him flush with her body just so there would be no mistake as to what she wanted. He moaned into her mouth as the bulge in his pants made contact with the heat of her body. They broke the kiss still holding on to each other, foreheads touching, eyes closed as they tried to catch their breaths. Finally they looked at each other and he saw it there again in her eyes. It looked like love to him but he was still too wary of her to believe it. 

She took his hand and began to walk. He let her lead, throwing sidelong glances at her trying to understand what had changed. Neither spoke, afraid they would revert to their old pattern of verbal warfare which inevitably led to violence and then, these days, rough sex that left each of them emptier than before.

She thought about going to his crypt but it held too much of their past and would be too easy to deny her feelings in the light of day. So, she went to her house. When she woke up next to him in the morning in her childhood bed she wouldn't be able to deny him. She wanted him to understand the significance of letting him take her in the last bastion of her innocence, a place no other man had ever had entrance to. She hoped he would get it; that the only other man to truly hold her heart had never held her body in her bed. Tonight she intended to give him everything including that thing that Angel had never had. She needed him to understand because, at this moment, the words still weren't there and she had no way of knowing if they ever would be.

They walked up the steps that led to her front door. Still holding his hand, him standing behind her, just brushing her body with his, she unlocked the door and led him inside. She let go of his hand as she closed and locked the door and began to climb the stairs to her room. When she was half way to the top she realized he was not following. She turned to look at him and saw the same expression on his face that she'd seen the night she came back, when he first saw her on the stairs and realized it was her and not the Bot. He looked confused, shocked and a little scared. She simply looked at him, eyes wide, not sure what to do.

Spike tried to regain his composure. He did understand what all this meant and was suddenly unsure of whether he was deserving of it. He'd been so busy knowing everything about her and so cocky about it that he was stunned now to realize that he didn't know himself anymore. He knew that he loved her and that he wanted her but somewhere along the way doubt had crept into his heart and was it, God forbid, a conscience? _Could he be everything she needed if he accepted what she was trying to give him? Could he really be the equal mate she deserved? Maybe she did need someone to walk in the sun with and have kids with? Maybe they were completely wrong? Pfft…yeah right_. He was being an incredible wanker and he knew it. They were meant for each other and he had known it for a long time now. It wasn't pretty but it was real. He climbed the steps slowly, passed her and took her hand leading her into her own bedroom and closing the door behind them.

She stood by the door as he walked around her room. He'd been there before but never with an invitation. He looked at the stuffed animals and little-girl decorations and then turned to look at the woman who lived there. Things had changed and he felt like he'd waited forever. He knew, however, that it had been worth it. He smiled at her then, a real smile, not his patented smirk. She smiled back and let him take her in his arms and kiss her. Ah…Gone With the Wind again and she had a feeling she was going to wake up singing just like Scarlett.

Spike hugged her to him raising her up until her feet left the floor. He carried her over to the bed and gently laid her down. He stood looking down at her and she watched as he shed his duster and kicked off his boots. He knelt down on the bed, one knee, then the other and crawled up her body laying himself down on her so they were face to face, chest to chest and pelvis to pelvis. She smiled at the feel of his weight on top of her and thought again how he felt like home to her. It felt good to come home.

Spike placed his hand on the sides of her face and kissed her sweetly and they both lost themselves in the passion the kiss ignited. Like two teenagers they kissed and fondled each other still fully clothed. Spike pressed his erection into the juncture of Buffy's thighs and she opened her legs to bring him closer. He started a rhythm that left her feeling hot and frustrated at the same time. It was exquisite torture to be so close but not feel his flesh on hers. She brought her hands to his waist and slid then under his shirt up along his back. She loved the feel of his muscles flexing under his lukewarm skin. He ran his fingers through her silky hair and kissed a line across her face and down her neck then back up to suckle her ear lobe. He knew it was a particularly sensitive area for her and was rewarded with her moan and shivers.

Spike skimmed his hand down her side to her waist. He paused there to tickle the bit of skin exposed where her shirt had ridden up. She squirmed and urged him to take what he wanted, what she wanted him to take. Acquiescing, he ran his hands up under her shirt and toyed with her satin clad breasts. They lay there on her bed slowly humping and caressing each other under their shirts, loving the building desperation they were creating by holding back. Spike began grinding his crotch into hers harder and she broke away from him, mouth gasping as she came softly, her eyelids fluttering and her hands clenching his shoulder blades knowing this was just the prelude.

They lost no time undressing each other. The time for play was over and they both needed the release they knew they could only find in each other. They lay naked in her bed on their sides facing each other. They studied each other's bodies, something they hadn't done before. They grew hotter and hotter just looking at each other and savoring the beauty of their partner's nakedness. They drew closer and wrapped their arms around each other again. They got lost in each other's mouths as their tongues explored and tasted. Spikes swollen cock was nestled between Buffy's thighs and she moved restlessly trying to bring him inside. He swept his hand down her side and on down her thigh where he grasped her knee lightly tickling the back before lifting her leg and bringing it over his own thigh. His hand caressed her hip and slid around to feel her ass. He rubbed and squeezed her lightly while she mewed in pleasure and tried to bring his hardness that was teasing her entrance all the way in. He held back but brought his fingers down and entered her hot, wet opening with two fingers from behind.

She gasped and surged up smashing her breasts against the hardness of his chest. He drew his fingers out and then thrust them in again. She began to writhe and whimper.

"Please."she gasped meeting his gaze.

As they gazed at each other he grasped her waist to hold her in place as he entered her slowly. She felt every inch as he pushed into her hot center. Their eyes never left one another. She watched the color of his eyes deepen with desire. He watched her eyes widen and her pupils dilate as he filled her up. They began to move together slowly maintaining eye contact the whole time. It was like their first time together in the abandoned building and yet it wasn't. This time it was gentle and as they stared into each other's eyes they each saw love rather than shock and fear. Their breathing went from slow and deep to quick and shallow but though they felt the urge to quicken the pace, they resisted knowing they would reach their peaks eventually and wanting to feel every sensation along the way. Buffy knew she was close. She grazed her hands down his back and took his buttocks in her hands squeezing and pulling him into her just hard enough to send her over the edge. As her orgasm shook her, her slick walls grasped his cock and forced him to cum with her. He shot his seed deep inside her and they gasped each other's names as their old world exploded. 

They came down slowly resting their faces in each other's necks and breathing in their mingled scents. When her heartbeat had returned to its normal pace Spike reached down and pulled the covers over them, holding her in his arms. 

"Happy Birthday Buffy," he murmured sleepily. 

She smiled and snuggled closer, "It was."

She raised up then and looked at him until he opened his eyes. She still wasn't able to say it but she knew he could see it. He smiled and kissed her softly. Settling her back down beside him. It was enough for now and when they woke in the morning together in her bed maybe she'd be able to say it. After all tomorrow was another day.

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Pfft…I really am becoming an incredible wanker.

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